This poem was written by myself at 23 years old, shared, and performed in different ways and settings. Creative, poetic and expressive writing can help many who struggle with holding on to things that are plaguing inside and weighing them down.
Turn your pain into art-
The absence or deficiency of light.
Darkness.
I'm here to be a testimony, not completely out of the test.
Nor am I claiming perfection because I'm far from perfect.
I'm claiming victory over each and every confrontation in our lives.
It’s blatant to me that my heart sometimes feels as cold as ice, and for that, I gamble with my life and try to get one more play in.
But the Divine has confiscated the dice and said, "that's enough playing with this heat.” It's time that you meet who you really are. You are a bounce-back kid; I love you and made you for glory...so either trust in my spirit and love or allow your enemy to lie and un-finish YOUR story, but you choose.”
And so I have a choice, to bounce back or to self-destruct and die. Or maybe find myself locked up in defeat with it laughing at me.
But thank God, my resilience, my inner strength holds the master key, and the password is sufficient GRACE AND MERCY.
And so I'm here to be a witness.
A witness to how my life was once a total wreck turned upside down.
Placing the extension cord around my neck, I felt like I needed to die.
I found myself in this dark place, and this dark place fed me lies.
For the longest, I rode the ride of never-ending emotions, and like a game, the pain I felt put its tokens inside of me and played me over and over again.
I can picture myself lying in a dark room, alone, afraid.
More afraid than someone holding a blade up to my throat
I had become my sufferings robot, and my sufferings had the remote...they were controlling me
And it continuously turns through channel 25 of my life.
Depression, suicidal thoughts, anger, sadness, and frustration, the mother passing away, getting into fights, being abused, using drugs, chasing after people, looking for love compromising myself and my sanity to feel love, affection, and attention. Yet I was filled with pain, agony, and affliction.
It all started at the tender age of 5, mommy issues and when my father decided to use me for his own personal desires, and that right there inspired a fire of madness and confusion within myself; I had a misconstrued illusion of what it meant to be loved and how it felt.
And so I dibbled and dealt with my pain, and for years I gave into these devils.
& I took the term risk taker to a whole new level.
I'm not talking about the risk where you jump off a cliff, hoping your parachute comes out.
This was a riskier situation, my pain knew what this was about...it was about destroying me, and I almost let it.
I continuously fed it with this defeated mentality.
Make no mistake, I had strength all around but didn’t know it…
I thought I was ok because I had experienced good times
But every time I tried to keep on that light my weakness would flicker it back off, and I would be right back in the night
I would be right back in the dark until this bad energy began to carve its name into my soul as if I was a bark on the tree.
I could no longer see, and I began to bleed spiritually.
And my physical scars became my spiritual bars as though I was in a jail cell, yet I continued to bounce back from an ugly hell, and I continued to look for healing in the things of the world.
There were only so many bandages that could cover these wounds until I was forced to sit down and get in tune with what the Divine had for me.
Understand this
Life is NOT easy, and it’s no joke
Resiliency is innate,
but our pain and challenges never sleep; they stay woke
we get tired, and we lie down, we close our eyes
We give in, hit the snooze button, and lay back down with the very thing leading to our demise....our pain.
I have survived 100% percent of my worst days, and this fact can be disputed.
I’m grateful to be alive, and my message cannot be muted.
And although the pain from my struggles sometimes takes a toll on me.
My FAITH speaks wisdom, and it lets me know that I’m not a victim, but I've got the victory.
That I'm more than a conqueror and be courageous
To take one day at a time.
Keep turning the pages because my story may help heal someone else.
And so, If I can appeal to 1, that if you feel as if you can't get out of your pain, out of your dark place.
You are not alone.
So as I end, I want you to take this home.
You’ve survived 100% of your worst days, and this fact cannot be disputed.
You are a bounce-back kid, and your message should not be muted.
When they ask me what a bounce-back kid is,
I tell them a bounce-back kid is you.
Be a light in this world.
Be a light in the midst of someone else’s darkness.
-Aleyssa